April 1, 2008

Though it is still dark, I have been up for an hour, and in that time have gotten nothing done but taking out of garbage and cleaning up of messes. Most of the day will be spent in exactly that way, re-dos of things that should be over, application to tasks unnecessary or thoughtlessly imposed. Even legitimate tasks inspire resentment, because on forgets how to discriminate.

M decides she’s back in the game, that she will cash the check and pay whom we can pay. After all expenses we made about $450 dollars. I expected less, actually, but everyone was fantasizing about more. She asks me to write an e-mail to the cast and crew, explaining our financial situation. She asks me to do it under the theory that while everyone shits on her, nobody shits on me. I understood what she meant by that, but the real reason, I think, is that she interprets many things as getting shat on that I interpret altogether differently, exhaustion or personality quirks or, occasionally, legitimate questions asked at the wrong time. Belve, for instance, is forever stalling the action with a scattershot of questions or comments, and she will pick one of those as the moment to decide she’s being shat upon, and fire back. Belve then looks astonished, trying to figure out what, exactly, was the trigger this time. I did send the email, and the responses have been, so far, along the lines of "don’t worry about me, I’m satisfied with the experience." Though the individuals who had harangued her most for payment have not yet replied. The individuals who have harangued most for payment are, perhaps not incidentally, exactly those people whom public comment singled out for substandard performance, tech and set. We had to delay a performance for forty minutes while one of them got out of bed. It was my counsel then to pay him nothing.

Got the pharmacist to give me the most high-powered antihistamine he could without a prescription. I took it Saturday night. I was annihilated all Sunday, largely out of it yesterday, and am still woozy today. Let me remind myself never to do that again, unless I want to be useless for a couple of days. Turned on the vaporizer in the bedroom, which achieved the same ends that I had desired from the pill, without changing me at all.

On the other hand, my blanket of violets is coming into variegated bloom. The bloodroots hold up their white starbursts day after day, and the tree peonies are shooting out their red stalks. The male goldfinches have turned back to gold. The robins stand around with beaks stuffed with dry grass.

Received a check from Emerson College. I have no idea why. Something I forgot, something which is not yet revealed to me. Nice in any case.

Gave my lecture on Persia and Alexander, still in my antihistamine daze. No comments, except that I looked good. Probably the comment I wanted anyway.