May 24, 2014

Buttery morning. A terrific thunderstorm yesterday brought down trees and cleared the air to glass. Russell, Maria, Allyson and Sean Patrick comprised my first dinner party at the new digs. Ragout of lamb, cucumber salad, sherbet. Sean toddled around on my lawn on his stubby legs pointing at things and saying “wow!” He studied the evening heavens for a long time. Maybe he saw seeing angels.  I would think my backyard would be perfect for him, big, flat, fenced.

Sean reminded me that I have lost everything, fighting so hard for the Big Obsessions, which, too, are lost. I know someone would council me to put longing aside and be happy with what I have– which is, after all, considerable. But one dedicates oneself to an ideal early on, and to shrug it aside, whatever the provocation, would be to orphan every single feature of what made one who one is. What faithless soul would do such a thing? As I keep reminding God, one way to quell righteous desire it to allow it to be fulfilled.