December 30, 2009

Woke with a firm conviction of the layers of consciousness that struggle for rule of the mind. Woke saddened by and utterly convinced of the fact that I had been turned down for tenure, and that in a week or so I was beginning a new career at Johns Hopkins, uncertain and confidence-shaken. I was deep into consciousness before I reasoned myself out of it. No such thing had happened, though somewhere in the layers of the mind, it was an experience and not a dream. The same is evidenced by my recurring dream of finding a new graduate school after flunking out of the old one. Some conviction of failure runs deeper than the fact, in these cases, of success. I know why people talk about parallel universes: I know the feeling of a dream, and these moments did not feel like that. I also wondered if there are things I am a soaring success at in my parallel lives –perhaps love–that is a bust here. It was a gleam of insight, as well, on how I live my life. I think I expect to crash and burn with everything important. Why do I live in this house? Because I think I got away with something in buying it, and don’t expect that the universe will let me have another go. Why did I never leave the university for farther fields? Because, as the dream suggests, I never quite expected to succeed even once, and twice seemed to be a temptation to the gods.

Ancient hurdy-gurdy on the radio, such peace, immense, if momentary.

Looked back through the journals of the past decade. One thing to note: I am happier now. By far.