October 6, 2022

Strange illumination this morning between waking and sleeping: almost nothing in my life has had anything to do with what I wanted. In the dream I think it was a person I wanted, but it became more generalized toward waking. My characteristic gesture has been to turn away from the desired and denied thing and, after a day in bed, taking up something, someone else with equal vigor and anticipation. Ten thousand campaigns and maybe four victories, none of them decisive. It was less grievous before I put it into words. It does explain why I have six unpublished novels and forty secret plays–try to overcome with sheer abundance. Don’t like this? Maybe you’ll like THAT. People are easier in that there are more graduations than just “yes” and “no.” You can make a life with casual relationships. They too take up the time.