January 14, 2015

Spent the afternoon with S. He showed me the beautiful places he and his mother found in France this summer. He is far more cosmopolitan and knowing than I, as well as 40 years younger. It is a gift to make him laugh. I realize I’m woefully deficient in the skills associated with “hanging out. “ I always look for the purpose of a meeting. That someone might just want to be with me is way down the list of things I think of.

I can tell now that the Lit class will be fast and joyful, the drama class like a root canal. Why do some students come resistant?
  
The catarrh seems to be ebbing, taking its own sweet time in doing so. Maybe part of the reason the drama class was so difficult is that I coughed  through it.
  
One thing I cannot think about is how much time I’ve spent on ultimately unprofitable relationships. Even when you don’t know exactly what I hoped for, you  know eventually when the right thing has not happened.
  
You can’t count the expenditure or you’d go mad. I would, however, like SOMETHING to happen for which I don’t have to be stoical or make excuses. I look back into personal history, futilely trying to find one moment in which I could not have been absurd or crude or exhausting, in which I must somehow have been wonderful. Can’t be sure of a single one. You’d think giving people a wad of money would be sure-fire, but what if they’re folding the check into their pocket thinking, “You ass-hole.”
  
Dark and cold outside. Magnificent, heroic dreams.