February 29, 2020

Leap Day. Someone said, “It’s not clear yet that 2020 deserves an extra day.”

Nodding off on the sofa last night, barely catching myself midair, I realized my fall Thursday night was caused simply by falling asleep sitting up.

Turbulent night last night. Woke at 1, did some work, went back to bed. I suppose in times past that was natural. I thought I couldn’t breathe, though of course I could. Very odd.

Michael Thompson came to the studio and took five paintings for his empty apartment, including some of my favorites. That was how it was supposed to work. I feel better about the whole enterprise now.

Talked about Shaw with only one person in the room having read it. Will be happy to be done with that. Everything makes me impatient.

End of Day: I abide in the studio until noon, the last time I ever shall. The first few moments there alone I wept bitterly, like a boy forced to move away from all his friends. Essentially, twenty-eight years of work and striving and imagining has come down to a room full of debris. I was not called to this; I wanted it for my own, so the end of it, the dying fall, leaves no one to blame but myself. One sobs in private, opens the door, smiling welcomes the first guest. Jack and Leland took several things, as did my elderly buddy from choir. A beautiful boy from Minnesota and his beautiful Mexican girlfriend/wife took one of the white bird panels. Someone left a $20 bill on my painting stool. When I left, I left the door open, hoping everything would be gone

One unexpected plus is that I’ve begun to play again my huge collection of CDs, most of them Medieval or Renaissance or Baroque. Rescued many from the studio, may rescue more. It gives me joy to listen to them, but for some reason I’d stopped. A curious impulse in me is to turn my back to things I love until some vague requirement is met, some time of penance, unclear even to myself, is passed. Let all times of penance now be passed, except for this Lent, in which I, curiously, rejoice.

Ockeghem now on the CD player.