April 28, 2023

Rehearsal grinding last night. W has somehow been accepted as adviser on repertoire, he who has the taste of a 50's teenager. We repeat the worst pieces over and over because he says “they like it,” though who “they” are is unspecified, and in fact THEY do not like it; he does. We serve neither ourselves nor our audience by keeping our settings on “stupid.” Why do I continue? Each such event pushes me closer to the door. 

Followed by a harrowing night of war with heaven. The Enemy’s only weapon is disappearance, which he uses with unanswerable cunning. 

It didn’t help that I had watched a movie called Fatima, about the apparitions in Portugal. Did it occur to no one then that “the Lady” was selfish and cruel and totally disconnected from the plight of the people to whom she spoke? Don’t tell starving, war-torn people to “pray the rosary and stop insulting God.” It’s an abomination. Someone in the movie called her “the devil’s daughter.” I think she was.

Woke this morning in the one hour of beauty, between night rain and morning rain, when all the world glittered with crystal and diamond. Pink peony petals fallen on the dark ground were almost too radiant. Gray soft rain now. 

LJ is dead.