April 1, 2012

Crow amid the blossoms of the dogwood. Whenever the crows come, mockingbirds follow to torment and scold them. One would think that the crows would win a head-on battle, but somehow they allow themselves to be bullied. I threw the bread of my sandwich into the garden. The crows approach, cautious both of me and the two mockingbirds who seem to have divided my yard between them. In the branches of the little dogwood the crow seems a very big bird. Remind me not to lie down very long in the grass.

Yesterday my shoulder throbbed and certain motions were nearly impossible, and the stiffness began to communicate itself across my back to the other shoulder. I’d twisted my left knee so that certain motions caused sharp pain there and a screech of “ouch!” Hemorrhoids caused me to fill the toilet with blood twice a day since Malta, and so I’m light-headed and disgusted from that. My stomach was upset, my leg was swollen so that regular pants were out of the question and I had to wear sweatpants, and still the seam left a furrow down my leg. A pervading sadness lingered from unspeakable events and perceptions of the proceeding week, AND it was time to go to a dinner part at J and L’s. It was almost funny, to have mirth expected of me at such a time. I felt terrible the while, fearing that I might be a shadow on the revelry, wanting to go home and close my eyes and be out of everybody’s way. I wanted to sing with the others singing at the piano, but I couldn’t force myself to get up from the couch. No quarter held mercy. I wanted to show kindness to those who are kind to me, but all was gravel and broken glass.

Shoulder is better, especially. Though my back is stiff, I can close the car door or slip on a T-shirt without a screech of pain. Went to the studio and redeemed two paintings which I feared we lost causes. Was at the Fresh Market check-out when someone from the deli was fired for pilfering. A white narcissus blooms amid the wood hyacinth.