November 26, 2011


Cats woke me at 3, pretending hunger. Fed them, lay back on the bed for a glut of dreams before the present pale gray light.

Drove to Atlanta for Thanksgiving. Left in morning darkness when the sky was a flitter of clear stars. By the time I hit South Carolina, the east had turned burnt orange, like the flame of a campfire. The boys are handsome giants, almost absurdly well-built because of the rigors and diets of wrestling. They are affectionate and possessed of hilarious friends, living a life I would have thought, had I been their contemporary knowing them in high school, ideal. They are easy where I was tense and taut. They are suave confidence where I was nervous subterfuge. My sister has been careful not to make the mistakes she saw in our upbringing. Whereas I never knew whether I was pleasing my parents or not, and was rather steered away from consideration of the issue, she praises her sons lavishly. David said to me that it was a shock to be in school where not everyone thought he was the greatest thing in the world, after being home where he is reminded (about every 5 seconds) that he is. I never once thought I was the greatest thing in the world, even on those occasions when I was. My sister and I spend a good deal of time deconstructing our common past, and sharing what we have done to outlive it, or repair it, or manage to look beyond. Daniel has a powerful will and sense of justice, and the courage to put them into effect. Politics? In a perfect world, maybe. After Thanksgiving dinner we went to Andretti’s. From the name I thought we were going to the races, but Andretti’s turns out to be an arcade. The fact is that I’d never set foot in an arcade before. Nor had I driven a go-kart, which is what we did first thing. I was terrified. I didn’t understand why it was fun. I hated it. It was the longest eight minutes in history. I don’t have a daredevil bone in my body, at least when it comes to vehicles. Even the virtual version threw me off. I couldn’t get it into my head that it was just a game, and kept going slower and slower so I wouldn’t damage anything on the screen. The machine eventually cast me off in sheer frustration. Did enjoy the bowling. Bowling and ping-pong (which we played at the house) are things I’m pretty good at without deserving to be, engaging in them about once a decade. Left Friday morning as the boys were rousing themselves for wrestling practice. Went to the gym, met horrifying margin calls on my E-trade account, watched far too many DVDs, slept.

Went to tend to DJ’s cat and aquarium. Grace the cat was agitated. She kept running toward the back, stopping and waiting for me to follow, as at last I did. The utility room door had been closed, and she couldn’t get to her litter box. She had used DJ’s bed for that, but you could tell she was upset about it. As soon as I opened the door her little rump was planted in the litter. You wonder what goes through inhuman minds, what she was thinking, and why she was thinking it.

AK emailed he would call me to find a time to meet while he was home from school. I devoted the day to waiting to his call, and it never came. One is not surprised anymore.

Odd truth: I never appear in the photographs of those events at which I am present. It feels conspiratorial. It makes me sad about 50% of the time, relieved the rest.

Mosquitos in the air in the unseasonable warmth.