January 12, 2016

Woke at just past 3, rested, so I prepared manuscripts, fought with the computer, went to the Racquet Club, where, during my workout, I found myself choosing men whose friendship I’d pursue if I knew how. I’m past the stage of easy friendship, with peers anyway, but the turn of phrase or the timbre of a voice or a vacancy of glance into the darkness through the windows can make me wish for more, can make me wonder, “what if?” No stranger would think I am lacking in social life, but I do. Balanced forever between greed and satiety---
   
I was in particular pain when I got up, and I used the workout to force specific areas either into crisis or compliance. Compliance seems to have won all the way down the line. Blessed be. Almost fell asleep in the whirlpool.
   
My replacement was mediocre, at best, in the humanities lecture yesterday. The Boy’s action was detrimental to every single quality and occasion except his own vanity. You wait for the mills of the gods to grind a little finer, a little faster.