March 20, 2008

Dream before waking: A wedding was taking place at the Spa. The groomsmen and bridesmaids were hurrying to their stations, tall and beautiful, and clumped about with admirers. They were like creatures from another planet, and I felt small and ugly. The bride and groom were not visible at all, hidden away in some inner sanctum safe from the prying eyes of the unworthy. Later I wandered through a sparkling golden labyrinth, trying to find an aerobics class.

I got a membership on Face Book. I kept getting invitations to be so-and-so’s Friend, and after a while it looked ungracious not to accept, so I filled out the form and chose a password and was immediately overwhelmed by possibilities of which I’ll likely never avail myself. Since then people have been signing up to be my Friends, and though I don’t know exactly what that entails, it is already fascinating watching the bonds of relationship (some of it quite unlikely) expand across the world. Isabella Yeager is the only contact I have initiated myself. Some people claim that we have a "Friend" in common, though who is not always specified, and usually I have no idea. There is never time to follow these things to an useful end.

Trying to turn my thoughts to the blue anemone and the white bloodroot, to the students who may be bringers-of-joy, if today is a lucky day.

Evening: Almost supernatural exhaustion. Hard round moon and a host of stars. Sang for Maundy Thursday service. In the bride’s room before service, I lit a candle and prayed for my fury to disappear, for my anger to fade, for my selfishness to sink into the earth. I’m not sure those prayers have been answered yet. I was impatient with the service, impatient with the ceremony and symbolism I once loved. Love’s cruelty toward me through many years made me impatient with him, made me mock things I believe holy in my heart. I cannot quite forget the cruelty, but I have striven to get beyond it, striven not to gnaw the rind of it over and over in the solitude of my heart. That’s what I was praying for in the bride’s room, a prayer that was not quite answered. The moon is so beautiful it should make all other concerns as nothing.