February 25, 2019

Wind howling over the roof in the dark of the morning.

Planted the mulberry outside the fence, in the cold brilliant light.

Jerry’s reading at Malaprop’s for his new book, Paraclete. The writing was quite fine and engaging. Hope the book and he do well. Tracy asked what was all this about my being an enemy of the Trans community, and why has some of it banned together to get me fired. Forced me to post this on FaceBook:

How I regret that things like this need to be done in a community which should be open, honest, and, if nothing else, aware of who their friends are. I have always been and am now a supporter of the Trans community. I have never said anything against the Trans community or any member of it. I have not done so because I am in full support of the community and its aims, or as fully so as I can be without being Trans myself. Anyone who actually knows me would find any doubt about this absurd. My several Trans students find me, or so I hope, absolutely supportive. The notion that I made a statement critical of the trans community is a lie, perpetrated by a liar who announced that she was going to lie and misrepresent deliberately in order to get me “in trouble.”  I corrected her in a matter of fact, and the only way to revenge her absurd pride in this was to pretend that I hold convictions which I do not hold , and broadcast that as widely and as energetically as she could. My credentials as a representative of the LGBTQ community go back 35 years in Asheville, and I dare to presume them impeccable. If anyone wants to discuss this, I am willing and joyful to do so. If anyone wants to continue this slander, know that you are a liar, or at least the dupe of one.

So far, the posting has been met with a flood of support. The last year has been weird for the times I’ve gotten in trouble for things I did not say and for beliefs I do not have. I want to say, “there is something I do which seems to infuriate certain women,” but the other way of putting it is to observe that every time I have been beset with truly vicious and covert misrepresentation, it has been by a woman. Don’t even know what to do with these perceptions, except to hope for the opportunity to forget them. 

Will came over to see if there were a way I could help finance a new house for them, or a rebuild of the old. I think we found a way.

February 24, 2019

Heart-filling Russian chant in the morning. almost ruined by over-rehearsing and blunting the edge, but some habits cannot be changed. Concert at All Souls in the afternoon, except for Bach almost all new to me. Must go to more concerts. Must tear myself from the desk. The day began in vernal sweetness, ended in cold wind. Watched the Academy Awards all through for the first time in decades.

February 23, 2019

Finished my story of hunting hogs. Sat in High 5 a big chunk of the morning writing it long hand, and I was happy, happy. Watched parents and their beautiful children. Went to the Tractor Supply Store (to honor it for being my big Wall Street moneymaker this year) and bought elephant ears. Beginning last Wednesday I had a mood, a feeling, that I have not had since graduate school, full of freedom and energy and hope. Part of it is the long-awaited signal to retire and get the hell out of academe. Part of it is something more, a liberation, an awakening, a guarantee of a third act. 

February 22, 2019


Millay’s birthday.

I requested Reems Creek Nursery to get me a mulberry tree in March of last year. The phone call came yesterday. I picked it up in the driving rain. I have one, but this one seems destined for me. I want the rain to slacken no I can begin playing in the dirt.

After spectacular and numerous mishaps at Staples, I finally have my new computer set up. Lascia ch’io pianga is the first sound that came out of its speakers. I tried to boot the old one, but it apparently cannot ever again. The new one came at exactly the last possible moment.

I sat in the car for a moment when it looked like, after much misdirection, the day was going to end well. I wept bitterly, thinking of how faithless I am, assuming the worst, summoning rage and despair at the first cross. Every time I panic and things work out nevertheless (which is almost every time) I chastize myself about this, but the lesson seems never to be learned. I have not the faith to move mountains, or even a mustard seed. I am afraid and alone. I hope this is some sort of an excuse.

February 20, 2019

Huge rain, thunder behind it roaring from the south. The streets were already dark pools. Bought a new computer, as this one develops a new quirk each day, and I’m afraid of losing my work.

Good rehearsal, except my voice was over before it was. Repaired to our weekly rendezvous at the Wayside, where people praised my acting. I didn’t know that anybody had noticed. Leaving All Souls, I was walking to my car when the greatest thunderclap in my memory broke, it seemed, directly over my head. The great blue light was followed by silence, then I was struck nearly to the wet pavement by the force of thunder. It was afraid. I was exultant. With God is terrible majesty. 

February 19, 2019

Crystal Kim reading in the Laurel Forum, to a packed audience despite the driving rain. I had the rare opportunity to be able actually to respect the reader. Full day. Do I remember fully of what?

February 18, 2019

Brilliant lecture on Blake this morning, I think. Turned in my taxes. Wandered around downtown for a while (having found a free parking space and not wanting to waste it), amazed that there was not one thing in the entire city that I wanted to buy, except a cappuccino. Went to the Mall to get an overseas account for my phone, ended up getting a new phone. Garrett Brown sold me the phone, a beautiful man with a five year old son named Cannon. I wanted to be Cannon. Cleaned the litter boxes. De-flead the cats (before they needed it). Napped with Maud on my stomach, to make up for de-fleaing her, which she for some reason hates. Will go to movie night at DJ’s tonight.

Fell into a revery last night where I thought I was retired– dear God, the lightness, the relief. It made me think I’d waited at least a semester, possibly a year too long. I’m committed for next year, but I think “committed” in this case will have some give. Yes, my students still need me, but the reward of that it, these days, goes all one way.  Whatever ties I felt to that institution have turned to air.

Yellow crocus in the lawn, the Lenten rose blooming a little ahead of Lent.