February 7, 2018

Was heading out to High Five café when I decided to check my email. There I discovered that C and N had been fired-- for sexual harassment, if I follow– without being given a chance to defend themselves in any way. Or, that’s what I gather. That this is not the death of the production is almost impossible to conceive. I’m told that nobody will notice a new actor standing there with a book in his hand. C was incompetent, but her actions in other ways were severely–perhaps intentionally –misinterpreted. I loved N, and since he wasn’t molesting me, and I never saw him molesting anybody else, I have nothing to express but regret. If he was inappropriate, that must stop. But is being cast into the outer darkness really equivalent to correction? I have the recent time-wasting slander of my former students to make me doubtful of the process, so much of which, too much of which, must be taken on faith, and though often the accuser is true, sometimes she is faithless and vengeful. How to know when? Whom to have faith in? If only I were Solomon.  Wherever truth and guilt lie, I am saddened and defeated. In 50 years of participating in theatrical and musical events, I have never encountered a pass such as this. In 50 years of participating in theatrical and musical events, I have never once threatened to quit because of not getting my way. My two student actors have done so twice during a single production. I really don’t know how to fill the hours. It is too awful. Will take to bed, which is my refuge.

I think of how perfect Saturday night was– to me, holy theater, everything meshing, everything above where it had ever been before. Of course, that couldn’t be left alone.