October 15, 2016

Sad autumnal empty pond.
   
Discussion in class yesterday about why they don’t get the assignments read. They have to work in order to go to school, so there’s no time to do the work they need to do for school. The apparent contradiction is, to them, not apparent. If we did fewer works but delved into them more deeply, it would be better, they say. I say, “You don’t read the works, fewer or more, so ‘delving deeper’ means me standing up here explicating for an hour each morning.” They nod. They do not even disagree. I remind them that they had the reading list this summer, weeks before the start of school. They shrug. It’s clear that “preparation” or “foresight” are concepts never thought of.  
   
Hundred-dollar-each peonies arrive yesterday, get themselves into the ground by lingering warmish autumn twilight.
   
Immense stomach muscle spasms on getting off the couch last night, still sore this morning. The anemia is back, but the last iron pill was so painful I don’t know what to do about it.
   
Wanted to audition for the second go-round of All Is Calm, stopped myself by main force from doing so. All energy would go into that for the holidays, and how many holidays have I left?
   
Final taste left in my mouth by The BofC is a little off. Simultaneously I helped build a beautiful work of art and enabled a whopping load of expensive and self-delighted bullshit. Don’t know how to bring it all into balance. We talked about that, too, in class yesterday, and my students tried to comfort me by pointing out the imperfection of all human effort, however grand and necessary.
   
Sam visits first thing in the dark of the morning.