June 26, 2016

Have to fight off weeping during Judas’s death song. It’s probably Webber’s high point, emotionally. But it goes beyond that. It is a summarizing truth that I feel in the marrow. You run full speed down the road to Jerusalem, and you find yourself at the gates of Babylon, not knowing how. I have stood for God, all the years of understanding, then some hour I come to consciousness realizing I am in truth angry, squalid, secretive, plotting, vengeful, envious, petty, faithless, dark as night, and I did not mean that at all. Not at all. I meant to be simple as a ray of light. I don’t know how it happened. One throws oneself face down on stone and waits for morning.