Cancer

 

May 22, 2025

Deep wind, tearing leaves off trees, making the wind chimes into full orchestras. Cicadas fluttering through the air like golden, foundering dirigibles. 

Rose early and drank chai at High 5, and wrote a scene of Purification. Saddled up and  went downtown. Turns out nothing opens until 11, so I had time to stroll around, sit on benches, have a bloody Mary at the Times Bar. Almost too cold to be sitting in the shade with only a T-shirt on. One disturbed young man stomped by threatening to cut Marcus’ throat for messing with his bike. All I could think to say was “I’m sorry,” but that seemed to be the right thing. Unhoused person asked for money. I had one bill in my wallet, a $20, so I gave him that. When I left the bar terrace I encountered that boy again, stuffing take-out into his mouth. It was gratifying to see my $$ do immediate good. The downtown Wells Fargo is closed. Probably as been for years and I simply didn’t notice. Visited the AAM, bought a membership, listened for a minute to P lecturing about some needing-to-be-explained works in the lobby. The museum has come a long way since I first knew it, though it seems there is actually less art being shown, and more gleaming negative space. Visited Blue Spiral (first time since COVID? Possibly) and found the works there, especially in terms of execution, disappointing. Spent $20 on parking, which is, I suppose, part of the New World Order. 

E is lying in a hospital in Akron dying of uterine cancer, which she ignored as it metastasized. Our lives did not touch much. I ignored her, and when not ignoring her I joined the other cousins in teasing her. She was kind of hateful, and that would be our excuse. But which thing came before the other? One does not like being reminded of one’s own cruelties, especially when they did not seem cruelties then, but a natural response to natural order. Why does the mind dwell on one’s sins long after anything can be done about them?