Saturday, May 31, 2025

 May 30, 2025

Days of often monumental rain. After choir on Wednesday night we made our way to the Barrel House through cloudburst. Merry. GMC chorus rehearsal last night was disastrous for me because I was in such wretched voice, the mucus on my cords making hitting the pitch I aimed for a continuous adventure. The chorus is by far the largest it’s ever been, which is good in many ways, but bad in that it provides an audience, and rehearsal devolves into long passages of banter and showing off not much different from burlesque. A good time was had by all, but–.

Perhaps Trump is himself a kind of vaccine, inoculating the electorate against anything vaguely resembling him in time to come. Alas, though, that Fate took our time to give this lesson. 


Wednesday, May 28, 2025

Service

 


May 28, 2025

Variegated day, cool and gray punctuated by blinding azure spring light. Cool and gray now. Napped four hours. The dreams mostly had to do with theater. The “check engine” and “See your Dealer” light were lit on my car display, so I made an appointment at Toyotaland. Two hours after arrival, I was summoned to the desk and told that the problem was fixed and it was that I had not tightened the lid on the gas tank when I fueled up last time. How the car knew this, or cared, was a miracle to me. I hate when there’s no one to blame. Though I suppose two wasted hours is a smaller price than some have paid for inattention. Not a complete waste: did write a connecting scene for Purification. Did meet a giant gentle Alsatian named Shep. 


May 27, 2025


Painting a marsh scene. The initial colors were so pretty I just wanted to sit and take them in and not finish the piece. I think I have to fight past some version of that with every work. 

William Byrd on Pandora.

I understand the arguments, and have to fight off agreement with them, concerning the efficacy of autocracy. People largely are not willing to take on the discipline and process of education necessary to govern responsibly– as witness several of the most recent elections. Yet the experiment is ruined for a long time to come. The benevolent and wise ruler which might have loosened our grip on our sovereign rights did not arise, but rather the single most piggish and corrupt person in American public history. Maybe benevolent autocracy is destined to be a thought experiment only, the real world inevitably bringing forth the worst candidates. To seek the position is to be unworthy of it.

 

 


May 25, 2025

Lord, come to E. Give her peace. Take her fear away.

Wreck on Merrimon right against the lake. The vehicles involved declined to pull over to the side, so a line of stopped cars stretched back to Woodfin. When I got close and saw what happened, I attempted to pull into the opposite lane and get around the wreck while the nearest oncoming car was still far away. But when that car saw me, the driver sped up to, I would guess, at least 70MPH and lay on his horn. I decided I wasn’t going to move– I couldn’t anyway, as a car had pulled into the space I just left. I expected a crash at any second, but in the last few feet he swerved and drove down the berm . I moved on. 


 


May 24, 2025

Cold continues. The furnace itself was cold and came on of its own volition. Dug a little, planted a tiny patch of red 4 o’clocks. E cannot recover, lies in considerable discomfort in her hospital bed and, though counseled by nurses about ways to stop treatment, clings to life, crying that she’s afraid to die. She wants every possible measure taken. Even the nurse’s saying bluntly “you’re going to die anyway” didn’t move her. Visibly, she had no kind of life that you’d want to prolong. Hard to know what is in people’s hearts. 


4 o'clocks

 


May 23, 2025


Sky blue as blue, with a few hurrying white clouds. Very cold. All the windows shut. 

Dug, weeded, planted four o’clocks with their surprisingly stout seeds. In the patch where I planted them I carefully weeded and cultivated around old four o’clocks planted in another year (four or five ago) and reseeded or somehow surviving. Moments such as that, precise, intimate, rewarding the striving (which does not always happen in the world), are the best of gardening. 

Internet is out so no news of the world reaches me. I’m  intolerant of such moments, furious not to have the convenience even if I wasn’t right then going to use it. 

Ten years ago I was in Omaha for the first iteration of Washington Place.


Cancer

 


May 22, 2025

Deep wind, tearing leaves off trees, making the wind chimes into full orchestras. Cicadas fluttering through the air like golden, foundering dirigibles. 

Rose early and drank chai at High 5, and wrote a scene of Purification. Saddled up and  went downtown. Turns out nothing opens until 11, so I had time to stroll around, sit on benches, have a bloody Mary at the Times Bar. Almost too cold to be sitting in the shade with only a T-shirt on. One disturbed young man stomped by threatening to cut Marcus’ throat for messing with his bike. All I could think to say was “I’m sorry,” but that seemed to be the right thing. Unhoused person asked for money. I had one bill in my wallet, a $20, so I gave him that. When I left the bar terrace I encountered that boy again, stuffing take-out into his mouth. It was gratifying to see my $$ do immediate good. The downtown Wells Fargo is closed. Probably as been for years and I simply didn’t notice. Visited the AAM, bought a membership, listened for a minute to P lecturing about some needing-to-be-explained works in the lobby. The museum has come a long way since I first knew it, though it seems there is actually less art being shown, and more gleaming negative space. Visited Blue Spiral (first time since COVID? Possibly) and found the works there, especially in terms of execution, disappointing. Spent $20 on parking, which is, I suppose, part of the New World Order. 

E is lying in a hospital in Akron dying of uterine cancer, which she ignored as it metastasized. Our lives did not touch much. I ignored her, and when not ignoring her I joined the other cousins in teasing her. She was kind of hateful, and that would be our excuse. But which thing came before the other? One does not like being reminded of one’s own cruelties, especially when they did not seem cruelties then, but a natural response to natural order. Why does the mind dwell on one’s sins long after anything can be done about them? 


I See Marion

 

May 21, 2025

Concert at St George’s went well, I think, though the offerings were slim. I was, as predicted, disengaged. 

My sister says that Uncle Richard’s last words were “I see Marion.” I wept the opposite of bitterly. 

Lovely rain in the night. 


 

May 20, 2025

Drill-voiced tribulation brought in as a “ringer” for the ASCC concert. I left rehearsal, as I had before, with a literal headache. I’ve been called in as a “ringer” many times myself, and at those times I didn’t realize how discouraging it can be for people who have rehearsed for months to have a new person added at dress rehearsal. Lost interest in the event. Tonight’s performance will be automatic and disengaged. 

Cicadas still in full force. The first time I heard them en mass was at Camp Manatoc. I could not yet have been seventeen, so there was probably no time before that. 


Tuesday, May 20, 2025

 

May 19, 2025


The malaise I was feeling was because I wasn’t writing. I know that because now I’m writing.

Eating mulberries from my own trees. They are incredibly delicious. Their taste is indescribable except to say they look like they’d taste exactly the way they do. 

Dug, weeded, planted stonecrop. 


May 18, 2025

Long OM of the cicadas. 

Drove Saturday to Waynesville to present Washington Place to subscribers. The drive through the mountains is stupid beautiful. I think I did OK, though I was the only one without actors or a scene to present. My director is in Spain and I was left to figure out for myself what “present your play” might mean. But, I enjoyed it. Got big laughs, which is the important thing. I’ve been gone so long I recognized maybe three or four people, the rest being new and young and overweight. Reintroduced to the “theater kid,” bouncy, witty, exuberant, dance-class elegant in carriage. in touch with the jargon and traditions of the theater, fully alive only in the dim light of backstage. Attractive, very sweet, but disturbing in a way it took time for me to put my finger on. I’d not been one myself. As a mature actor I seldom did the big family musicals, so contact with them was slight. But I reaffirmed the last time I did large-cast theater (Magnetic’s one act festivals) what I’d noticed before: that the bounciest, most deeply obsessed and committed “theater kids” are all but invariably bad on stage. I recall sitting with two girls at the Magnetic who reeled off anecdotes of recent theater history, shared techniques, did esoteric exercises and warm-ups, warned others against violations of backstage superstitions, and yet, on stage, were inert as buttered dumplings. Yesterday two galumphing boys in sailor costume (doing a scene from Anything Goes) livened backstage with antics and sweet-tempered goofing-off, but bombed horribly on stage. Their colleagues were delighted to add this to future backstage anecdotes; the audience was robbed. This is a general, even if not an inevitable, rule. A person has so much energy, and that which goes into identity is lost to performance.  

Now that my brain is on this track, it notes that it’s seen this among writers, too, poets who are so MUCH the poet in affect that their work becomes an afterthought, shored up by “borrowing” and redecoration of others’ insights. The stakes are smaller in poetry, the pay-off less immediate, so the syndrome is less pronounced. When I was briefly writer-in-residence at Montana, that ship all but foundered under the weight of WRITERS. People wondered what the “quarrel” between K and myself was. There was no quarrel, but exactly this, so great his desire to BE a poet that the actual making of poetry became an exercise in concealed plagiarism. 

On the drive back I passed a sizeable forest fire just west of Candler. No mention of it in the news.

Watched a catbird snip the wings of a cicada, dip the body in the birdbath to moisten it, swallow it whole.

Evening: went to One Word Brewing in West Asheville to hear A’s band, Minor, at his father’s behest. A hundred people in the yard of a micro-brewery, with the performers, students at the Asheville School of Music, under a tent. The band was good. The girl vocalists were very good indeed. Rock has its traditions and its classics, and the student band was learning them, showing them off. A new scene for me. 



Evening: went to One Word Brewing in West Asheville to hear August Dolce’s band, Minor, at his father’s behest. A hundred people in the yard of a micro-brewery, with the performers, students at the Asheville School of Music, under a tent. The band was good. The girl vocalists were very good indeed. Rock has its traditions and its classics, and the student band was learning them, showing them off. A new scene for me. 

 

 

May 16, 2025

Too much  & too hard singing last night. Woke up unable to speak. Couldn’t ask Alexa what the weather was going to be. 

Memory from long ago: the first time I went to the ballet (Swan Lake at Blossom Music Center) I was astonished that you could hear the thump of the dancers’ feet on the stage.

Finally reading Arch Brown’s book A Pornographer.  Looked in the index, as it was not impossible that I might be mentioned in it. 


 

May 15, 2025

Woke to a sound that made me think I’d left the water running. It was the cicadas. Decided I love the sound, and would be happy if that were the backdrop of every summer. This is more poignant because, assuming a seventeen year cycle, I may never hear them again. 

Called GOT-JUNK? And had various metal items– spent arbors, bent metal chairs, the firewood holder mouldering against the fence--hauled away. It was more expensive than I expected. The two boys who did the job (one slight and white, the other huge and black) were touchingly interested in doing well at that rather elementary job, and in securing my approval. Pride in workmanship has not wholly disappeared. 

Planted pink turtlehead and $100 worth of ferns. 


Sligo

 

May 14, 2025


Huge advances in the War of Weeding, opening so much new ground I ordered more seeds. 

Signed up for FaceBook posts from Sligo, which end up making me unexpectedly and purely happy. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2025

Cicadas

 May 13, 2025

Cicadas louder than before. They seemed to stop during the rain, or perhaps the rain’s sound covered theirs. 

JB writes from South Carolina: 

I hope you remember me. And I hope you are having a blessed and beautiful life. You had a significant impact on me and on my journey as a writer, an artist, and an art scene provocateur. I always thought you were punk rock (which is the highest compliment from me, as punk rock is where I first encountered DIY, unapologetic expression, and open inclusion of the fringe). 

Rehearsal went well, for I was in good voice, though much too long, and I was not in good voice at the end of it. The other 2nd basses useless. They won’t even sing if I drop out for a minute. 


 May 12, 2025

Considering the grace of having gotten all the planned garden in, to the very last annual seed, before these last days of rain. 


Yellowthroat

 May 11, 2025

Yellowthroats teemed this morning in the west garden. They burrow into the thick cover provided by the jungles of anemone and green dragon. You see leaves tremble as they shoulder through. Blessed. 

Last night DJ and I at the Symphony in Thomas Wolfe, with Chris Thile as the antic guest artist. Drinks at the Bier Garten afterwards– in the past at least a weekly routine, now long past.

In a mood this morning– could hardly bear to speak to anybody at church. Too much effort even to form a sentence. 


Earthquake

 

May 10, 2025

Dear God, I’m older than the Pope!

Sitting downstairs at my desk sending messages when I felt an earthquake. It lasted a few seconds and, as such things had in the past, made me feel nauseated. The Internet confirms a 4.1 near Sevierville. 

Planted cosmos, coneflower, and blue-eyed Something (I forget what now). Have seed enough left over for a football field. Looks like last year’s ironweed and white swamp hibiscus are survivors. 


Friday, May 9, 2025

 May 9, 2025

Wet morning. While it was still wet, I revised old poems. Then into the garden to plant Tradescantia and butterfly weed, and succulents in two more pots on the porch. A mighty digging of weeds, bamboo, weeding of vines. 

The Mayor of Newark has been arrested by ICE for defending his people. There will be no limit to atrocity until we end this evil man and all his retinue.

Pope Marcellus Mass from You Tube. 

Tempest

 May 8, 2025

Throb of cicadas, always seeming to be distant from oneself. 

Election of Pope Leo XIV, the first American, delight to the believer and infuriation to the unrighteous. I was watching TV when he stepped out onto the balcony. The joy of the people in St. Peter’s Square communicated to me. I felt a good thing coming after so many bad. Glad it was an American (and not the douch-y Arch-bishop of New York), that the evil done in the world by Donald Trump might be in some measure balanced. 

Apocalyptic hailstorm. Haven’t checked the garden for damage, but the hail came in two waves, with stones the size of blueberries. We were promised golf balls, but I was not disappointed. Sound of transformers exploding on poles throughout North Asheville. Dead traffic lights causing mayhem on my way to rehearsal. 

After rehearsal I sat on my porch with a strong drink. It still rained intermittently, drops striking me from one side, then the other. Pink lightning branched and waved in the distance, and the garden was revealed by flashes in pinkish detail. The rolling of thunder never ceased. I was at war with God. The tempest was perfect illumination.


 

May 7, 2025

ASC concert last night at Central Methodist, Handel. Mozart, others. I think we did well. Surrounded by people on other parts, I think I did rather gloriously. Couldn’t hear another bass 2. Many too many people on stage. Concerts are in general physically uncomfortable for me, sometimes to an acute degree. The era of my standing for long periods of time is over. Talk in the halls and in the men’s room of what a “fascist” our director is, how he treats his singers like naughty children who must be kept in line by force of will. You never know when relating information like that will be helpful and when it will do harm. I think his ability to keep so many balls in the air at once is miraculous. Hiked to the Times Bar for a negroni after the concert. Was given shots of exotic liqueurs by the bartender. 


 


May 4, 2025


The terrible anniversary.


 May 3, 2025


Windows shut against the cold. Cicadas leaving their shells on vegetation. Worked on poems in the morning. Because I’m used to my life, I don’t notice what anxiety shrouds the concept “free time” for me. I don’t recognize free time. I don’t allow myself free time. Even my leisure is purposeful– not sunbathing and barbecues, but museums and cathedrals. This is not thought through, but reflexive. If I’m not writing or painting or gardening or sending out manuscripts, I feel that I’m doing nothing at all. I read maybe three books a year for pleasure, because that is too much like doing nothing. When I lived with Eddie he complained that I never just sat on the sofa and watched TV with him. I recognized he was correct, but also that I could not do otherwise without maximum commitment. Today, for instance, the morning was OK because I wrote and revised and entered contests. But I did nothing in the afternoon, and caught myself lamenting a wasted day. The fact that there was nothing in particular needing to be done should have been taken into consideration. The cream of the jest is that all hours and years of application came pretty much to nothing. 


Saturday, May 3, 2025

 May 2, 2025

Lovely Beltane. After rehearsal, returned and sat on my front porch crying “Draw on, sweet Night!” Heard myself uttering blessings for my life. Felt the air for the thin veil that is meant to exits between worlds on such a night, the mundane and the sublime, Asheville and Faery. Drank red wine, fell asleep in the rocker, woke at some undetermined hour, so perhaps I passed between worlds with no recollection of having done so. Perhaps that’s how it must be done. As I sat it began to rain. Never have I rejoiced in anything more than in that rain. 

Dug, weeded, transplanted milkweed out of the lawn into the garden. 

Rain now. Maybe it’s time to go outside. 

Beltane

 

May 1, 2025

Beltane. 

Overcast morning, faint metallic sheen in the sky. 

Rehearsal disastrous last night. K brought in a friend of his to “bolster:” the bass section– in sixty + years of choral singing, the ugliest voice I ever encountered– no concept of blending or ensemble, but an unmodulated, piercing, mechanical buzz– like singing beside a dentist’s drill. Left with a literal headache. What goes through peoples’ minds? 

First visit to the Barrelhouse, a nearby bar that people figured would be after my taste, and it is. 

Dream before waking that I had a new boyfriend, with whom I was still getting comfortable. A terrible blizzard was predicted, and my friend wanted me to move the car for some reason. I knew the car was fine where it was, but I suited up and went out into the stormy night to move the car to please him. A lesson in a situation I am unlikely now ever to face.


Sassafras

 April 30, 2025


Rehearsal last night exultant because, after months, my voice was nearly 100%. Let’s say 85%. Felt like singing with a steel blade. C has really no 2nd bass but me. Two old guys making faces and not even dropping below the staff. 

Dream that I was in a play with A, and after the play I had to find my way home through a city grown suddenly colossal, and my usual routes blocked. It was OK, as I discovered new things, and noted in the dream how much better my wind was than it used to be. In the dream. 

Weeded, cultivated, planted white cosmos. Way too many seeds, so I threw some hither and thither, allowing them a chance to find their own way. My sad task was to dig up the failed-to-prosper sassafras and return it to Reems Creek for a refund, but when I got there, a green shoot emerged from a green place near the bottom. I trimmed the dead wood away and promised I would help it recover and ascend. This made me unaccountably happy. The cherry I thought was dead last summer is in full leaf. The winter clean-up uncovered hidden trilliums, and a rather extensive plot of Quaker comfrey. The chewed-on comfrey explain why rabbits have been making the dangerous journey outside my fence.