Monday, October 28, 2024

Hard Times

 

October 28, 2024

Church yesterday in borrowed Trinity. The jazz trio played “Hard Times Come Again No More.”  In the midst of M’s sermon I had a vision of myself dancing in my garden at night, to the sound of distant bells. I knew then that Harris is going to win the Presidency. It will still be necessary for millions to explain why they dedicated themselves-- often slavishly, idolatrously-- to the single most repellent man in American political history. I can see a cult of personality if there’s any personality. I can see enthusiasm and agreement if there are any policies or deeds to agree with. But there’s nothing but gluttony, malice, vengeance, ignorance, cruelty, hoggishness-- which term offends the relative delicacy of actual hogs. I cannot listen to Evangelicals on the subject, for fear I’ll burst into flames. THIS is God’s instrument? It is true, as they argue, that God uses the imperfect, but, referencing Abraham, David, Peter, at al, he uses the imperfect who are striving mightily for the right and miss, by dint of being human. The disgraced, impeached, and felonious ex-President has not striven for any end but his own gratification since he came out of the womb. For him to be in prison on November 6 is the one acceptable justice. There is still the matter of his followers. Did education fail? Near the end of the time when I was in it, education was intimidated enough that it hesitated to make distinctions between right and wrong, good and bad, for fear of giving offense. Certainly some points of view ought to be offended. The ignorant deserve their lives, but they do not deserve influence over the lives of others. One might forgive and move on, but some dark flux gave birth to this morass, and that dark flux must be discovered and investigated. Something went wrong. Somehow we failed to teach love of truth, love of mercy, love of honor. Failed to teach tolerance, let alone empathy. Failed to teach humility, let alone wisdom. We failed even to teach self-interest, which is threatened by every injustice done to another. It’s beyond my wisdom to know how to separate supporting a fascist from being a fascist. It’s hard for me to admit that plain good folks have such malice in their hearts, such ignorance governing their minds. Are they plain and good? If you intend mayhem and suffering, do you expect not to be blamed for doing so? I don’t know how to face them. I don’t know how to desire to face them, even if doing so is the only healing. 

 

October 27, 2024

Squirrels scamper over the garden, finding my newly dug soil the perfect place to bury their hurricane windfalls.  Some bug or other has been emerging, for my garden is full of birds of almost every kind normally seen here, all at once, including white-rumped warblers, which I’ve never seen here before. Maybe it’s just the hurricane windfall. Maybe it’s a special blessing unearned and unanticipated. 


 

October 26, 2024

Planted peonies. God forfend that I buy any more peonies. Planted cinnamon fern and ranunculus. Crushing, but not unpleasant, exhaustion. 

One lesson of Helene is that helpers emerge from the woods with chainsaws and bottles of water in their hands. The person you knew all your life was an angel of light waiting to be needed. 


 

October 25, 2024

Israel is bombing Tehran. Worse and worse. 

Heroic gardening today. Dug at the new bed outside the fence, planted more of the apparently inexhaustible daffodils, the Dutch iris that came in a box I didn’t remember ordering, peonies (I must stop buying peonies); transplanted Linda’s elephant ears to a place where it will have more room. Uncovered and saved spearmint, white native hibiscus, and ironweed from the overgrowth. Staggering with exhaustion at the end of the afternoon.

Thursday, October 24, 2024

River Arts District

 October 24, 2024

Prolonged my agricultural activities by loading up at Jesse Israel’s, where they were selling end-of-season plants two for the price of one. Poor root-bound things, this late in the season. 

A spider wove in my bedroom window a web which, because of the space, is shaped like an airport runway. I worry about him. He perches dutifully at one end all day, but I never see anything in the web, and don’t understand how an insect could get in through the screen or, on the other side, through a closed window. I took to opening the window so, should he be a prisoner, he could escape and build his web elsewhere. But he remains. Perhaps he is a pure artist spider, happy to contemplate the perfection of a web never put to its intended use. 

I can attest to the continued necessity of boiling the water. Forgetfully I used faucet water for brushing my teeth, and got a memorable case of diarrhea. Had to run from rehearsal once, and wanted to a second time. People would not stop praying and asking about conditions at church so I could fly to the door and hence to my own bathroom. All Souls choir rehearsal revived in the First Baptist chapel. 

Return of AVLGMC rehearsals at R’s church in Arden. We talked about the efficacy of anything we might attempt in these troubled times, deciding to go through with nearly our original plans regardless. 

Made my first foray into the devastated River Arts District, discovering, to my joy, that Cheap Joe’s Art Supplies survived. That was the last good news. Bought stuff I didn’t need. The district is still a calamity, though it’s possible to walk about, and those venues which can be open, are. It’s not always easy to tell why some buildings stood, some collapsed, some vanished as though into thin air. Heavy piles of masonry stood a good chance in general, though what their interiors are like one doesn’t know. Ran into two former students, JS, taking in the atmosphere for his Ashvegas column. He has a three year old daughter. “I’m an old man,” he said, “I never expected to be a father, much less to be good at it.” Walked into the one studio that was open. One of the residents was AA, who took Humanities from me, twice, and remembered me as the best teacher she ever had. Every now and then the Spirit leads me into the paths of those willing to say what, at the moment, I need to hear. Their gallery survived by being the highest point on the river side of Depot Street, the water just lapping the top step. Miss A makes colorful portraits of animals. Her partner makes watercolors, and attributes their survival in their storage area (lower than the gallery) to her habit of waxing the finished product. The mud just brushes off. 

Drove home from Arden rehearsal through Biltmore, which is utterly dark, as though nothing on either side of the road still  exists. 

 

October 23, 2024

An undergraduate from San Diego requests a copy of Edward the King for research she’s doing on adaptations of Marlowe’s play. 

Boxes of bulbs keep arriving. I wonder how much garden I thought I should plant, and where I’d find the energy to do so

Asheville Symphony Chorus reconstituted. Everyone in good spirits, willing things back to normal.

Dug a new patch for new tree peonies. Began transplanting scraggly roses from the maple shade, where they were not happy. The second batch of ranunculus roots fuzzed with fungus. Planted them anyway.


Orange Menace

 

October 22, 2024

The Orange Menace visits Asheville, to interfere with recovery efforts and draw attention to himself. Part of me is at peace about the election, determining that a treasonous felon rapist ignoramus blasphemous lying walking embodiment of Gluttony cannot possibly, once known, be elected president. On the other hand, my continued astonishment that nearly half of all Americans favor him despite daily confirmation of his inhumanity. Is inhumanity what we want? It’s possible. People in the past have accepted or welcomed inhumanity– but not, I think, when it was so clearly visible. His re-election means the end of civil society in America. You could say that to his supporters and they wouldn’t care. They want something else, not civil society, not facts, not Democracy. Is it revenge they want? Revenge on whom for what? Revenge that their lives didn’t turn out as they thought they were promised? Revenge on those who know more and do better? Revenge on an “elite” class that wouldn’t even recognize itself as such, and is known only to its enemies? I don’t know. Deception, malignancy, stupidity are the only reasons to vote for the beast. Setting aside the stupid and the malignant, you should be able to reason with the rest, but reason is one of those things that belong to the “elite” and must, therefore, be rejected. Election night I shall turn off all media and go to bed as drunk as I can be. 

Planting and mulching.

Sunday, October 20, 2024

October 20, 2024

Have contributed to so many Go-fund-me pages to help hurricane recovery that my own finances are in need of recovery. It’s worth it to memorialize having the same roof over my head.

Trinity invites us to use their sanctuary for an afternoon service. There the choir was reconstituted today for the first time since the storm.  

 October 19, 2024

Video of a lizard stranded on a bit of bridge in the middle of the raging water in Chimney Rock. We have not had time to consider the havoc wreaked upon those without voices or video cameras. 

Thinking of my sister and brother-in-law, whose relationships goes a long way toward justifying the institution of marriage. They have found someone to spend their lives with, grow with, meet all uncertainty with. 


Harvest Moon

 

October 18, 2024

Followed the course of the moon across my window in the dark hours of morning. 

Voted. Late opening of polling place created a longish line where everyone talked of the hurricane and when they got their services back. At the University site we were all dependably Democrats. 

Went to Ingles for half & half, one of life’s few necessities. It was full of rescue workers looking grubby and exhausted.

Internet flickering on and off. My hatred of Spectrum is a blue flame. 

Gardened when it was finally warm enough. Made a mulch run. The streets are covered with it, could it but be gathered. 


Home

 October 17, 2024

Full moon of Aries rose over Georgia last night, immaculate on his blue silk. 

The Spirit drove me home at the earliest possible moment, so here I am, Internet crackling, water (very loud and belchy water) in the pipes. This is as much as two weeks before they led us to expect restoration. Prudent on their part. Joyful on ours. In the midst of tribulation you assume it will gone one forever, even as in the midst of “ordinary” you assume that will go on forever. I run around testing everything to see if it works. Tomorrow I will be grateful. 

The bear overturned the trash bin, but was thwarted by the bear-proof lid this time.


Thursday, October 17, 2024

 

October 16, 2024

Sudden sharp cold. As I brushed my teeth, I saw a doe and her young one cross the street on the other side of the creek.

Went to downtown Alpharetta to a cafĂ© with airplane decor, where they didn’t produce my coffee until I’d asked three times. The second time I was scolded for being impatient. “We’re working on it. We haven’t forgotten you.”I inquired what there was to it beyond pouring coffee into a cup, and got a supercilious look. There are reasons for not letting women run businesses. Strolled past a barber shop, stopped to get my wild mane cut. I don’t have to LOOK like a refugee, Found a seat in the library among the early voters. Wrote a poem and looked at a glossy movie book. Tried to go to the bathroom, but there was a huge black man soliciting sex. Wandered about in the cold bright light. Sat watching the astro-turf where kids play. A big boy and two little boys–brothers, I think– played a kind of football which was mostly an excuse for an extended brawl. I admired the big boy, his engagement with his brothers, his kindness, the attention he was paying them that they will never forget. From their voices when they shouted at each other I think they’re British.

Spectrum email declares that my Internet is restored. Why is my doubt instant and inerradicable?

Home either tomorrow or Friday, depending on the motion of the spirit. If I get back too soon, if I get back with everything still unresolved, it will be too exhausting. L & J are off to Ohio, so my departure time doesn’t have to be specific. Had a productive time downtown today, and know how I can have a productive time in days to come, so the urgency is off just as the possibility arises. 


Aquarium

 

October 15, 2024

I’ve switched typing surfaces, which makes things marginally better.

The house in Dahlonega appears to be a done deal.

On D’s advice I motored yesterday to the Chattahoochie River National Recreational Area on Jones Bridge. Walked in wood that are mostly yellow poplar, therefore lofty and airy. Discovered the windleaf. The river itself looked normal (though I never laid eyes on it before, so there’s no opportunity for comparison), but the trail bridges cross feeder creeks, and mud on the vegetation there indicates a flood stage as much as twelve feet above their current levels. Almost every walker but me had at least one dog.

Mornings are hard, longing for home, anxious to find a way to do my work. But, I search the Internet for something to do, do it, and by evening TV and family cocktail time, the circumstantial contact feels comfortable and sustainable. Then it begins again the next day. L & J have certainly gone out of their way to accommodate me. 

Fascinating email from Spectrum announcing that my payment is due. Haven’t had Internet service since September 27, and they’re closed as clams about what, if any, progress is being made in restoration. Companies make people hate them more by hiding behind a baffle of blind email addresses and unnavigable phone trees.

Downtown to the Georgia Aquarium. Stopped on the street by attractive kids trying to run a charity scam. I almost fell for it. All the denizens of the aquarium had Halloween decorations in or on their tanks. Skeletons lay on the bottom of the shark tank as if they had been stripped clean by the predators above. A male beluga was erect and trying to interest a female in afternoon delight. She declined. The sea dragons had bats on strings hanging from their tank.


 

October 14, 2024

Birthday celebration for M, organized with my sister’s apparently effortless aplomb and enthusiasm. With two infants in the room, discussion turned inevitably to baby things, which was informative but in which I could not participate the least bit. Everyone was tired and giddy with baby-attending. Everyone was fascinated by the babies’ doing nothing at all but allowing themselves to be served. This is their lives for a while, as mine is watching it unfold.

During the night my laptop was blasted by something, and in the morning I had to recover Word Perfect and e-mail and Google Chrome and Facebook, and wait for everything to upload and unfold two hundred miles from the book in which I note my passwords. I was not calm. I was not patient. I pictured a situation in which I was even more isolated and impotent than I was before. It did turn out well, but it is not yet time to feel more grateful for that than infuriated by the supplemental tribulation.

Domicile temporarily to myself while everyone checks out the vacation house the family is buying in Dahlonega. I think they’re meeting the inspector. The boys’ lives speed ahead. They each have two houses and a piece of land at a time when, I think, I was still in grad school.


 

October 13, 2024

In the dim of my little basement retreat in Atlanta. Shuttling between sites is possible but wearing thin, until I compare it with the lot of those who have nowhere to go at all. Alpharetta hosted a street festival last night, which we attended. Lots of music, convivial and diverting. Listening to WCLV, streaming from my ancient haunts. Baroque Bieber going Gl-o-r-ia over the airwaves.

I wonder if my discomfort here is mainly having nowhere to balance the keyboard as I type. The room is cold. Can mendicants mention that the room is cold?

Monteverdi “Magnificat.”


Hiawatha

 

October 11, 2024

Retrieved a CD player (acquired but never used) from the riverfront office, discovering that I do have a broadcast radio and, Internet or no, can have the sound of a human voice in my house. Listened to the Sixteen performing the Eton Songbook by dim light, writing, reading Traherne and The Song of Hiawatha, an evening of almost perfect bliss amid the ruins.

Read Lao Tzu at the car dealership and Traherne at my desk at night. What a collision is there, one renouncing with a wry smile, the other gathering in with both arms, wanting life to be richer and richer, battening on the bounty of the soul. I am in Traherne’s camp, of course, though the old mendicant clears the air. 

Added a single figure to Forest Edge and made it my favorite painting. 

Rose early and gardened. Needed a jacket, and then I didn’t. Planted and mulched daffodils, iris, autumn crocus, those onion-like flowers that I don’t remember the name of and can’t look up because there is no Internet. Allium. 

I am happy at my house.

I am miserable away from it.

These truths should be part of the equation, but clearly they are not. 


 October 10, 2024

Cold morning. Turned my furnace on. As there was no explosion, I assume it’s independent of the water system.

Errands. Got a prescription filled. The pharmacy guy says they have Internet in Black Mountain and were promised water this afternoon. Made an appointment for routine car service, that I missed twice during the hurricane. 

Drove to the Mill at Riverside. My space smells like an outhouse, but is secure and untouched. High Five, miraculously, stands, though scoured empty by the flood. All the lawn furniture is gone. Smashed sheds. The far side of the river white with what seems to be an infinity of pcp pipes. Workers and owners out on the pavement trying to hose off (with what water?), dry, and clean furniture and equipment. Grace Plaza becomes a staging area for water distribution and the parking of utility trucks. Streets still hazardous with splintered lumber. Linda sent lily and elephant ear bulbs home with me. I got those planted, along with two roses that came from Heirloom and a row of orange iris by the street. All live plants are planted; the bulbs can bide their time a little. Interesting process of getting clean, or cleanish, after a bout of gardening. Fifty thousand years of being mostly dirty becomes quite understandable.

Routine maintenance at Anderson Toyota. Took up time, anyway. Gorgeous autumn day, the trees etched with blue shadow on the nearby mountain. 

Poking through old journals reveals that I began painting in November 1991.


History

 

October 9, 2024

Thinking of the man in the High carrying his baby (less than 12 months, I’d think) from work to work in the Modern Art room, explaining and exclaiming. Like Wordsworth, I imagine that some dim recollection of that moment will color, however unconsciously, the child’s life.

Back in Asheville, suppressing rage that the Internet is not restored. A bear defeated the bear-proof lid (or else I left it unsnapped), overturned the garbage bin and took the food, by that time quite elderly. Hope it didn’t make him sick. It was all the contents of my fridge, and therefore a windfall. 

Good news is that T cleaned up my yard and made it look civil again. It was a task that I wasn’t sure I could address. 

Because of the Cone of Silence over Asheville, I don’t know what havoc Milton is loosing upon Florida.

Unable to master my car’s various display mechanisms, I listened to news the whole way, concluding that Conservatism in 2024 is solely focused upon preventing others from achieving the lifestyle and privileges you yourself have attained or aspire to. It emphasizes difference, mocks compassion, adores dogma, has no particular interest in the truth. All Conservative spokesmen (those interviewed by the media, anyway) consciously and knowingly proceed from a dishonest premise.

My three turkeys paid a visit. I think they’re all girls, for none is aggressive or showy. 

Looked up the hurricanes of 2004, the likes of which I imagined I’d never see again. This is what I wrote on September 8, 2004:

Our little hill was so undisturbed, and I didn’t turn on the radio today, so that I didn’t know Biltmore and the River District, Black Mountain and Swanannoa are under water. South and East Asheville are blacked out, and half the city is without water. I finally went to look when I received an e-mail from a patron who was coming to my studio tomorrow afternoon, which said, “Let’s reschedule when things get back to normal.” I snapped on the car radio and heard people howling that someone had given the order to open the floodgates at the Bee Tree Reservoir at exactly the wrong moment, which meant a flood of water came down the Swanannoa just as the rivers and creeks were carrying their full load of hurricane runoff. I drove in a panic toward my studio, but found that the river road was blocked and flooded. I circled around through the city and came down Chicken Hill, and saw the flood plain of the French Broad not only under water, but under flowing water. For ten years the River District has been trying to pull itself up out of the grubby warehouses and dim garages and become the area’s arts showplace. Now it is under water. Who knows what’s gone and what remains. The New Blue Studios are under water half way to the roof. The Warehouse Studios first floor must be at least twenty inches under. Railside Studios stood in the middle of a lake, but I parked and waded through, and the upper room of my studio is high and dry, though the lower room is gone and a thick stack of paintings I had on the floor are lost.  I didn’t care as much as I thought I would when I was driving and hadn’t seen the awful majesty of it all, People were lining the Craven Street Bridge to watch the great brown fury of the French Broad, bearing whole trees and the walls of buildings. The most distressing part was the heavy stench of fuel oil, the red pools of it lying on the eddies, from where tanks had been overturned and storage facilities flooded. The smell is unbearable. I hope nobody lights a match. Tonight’s forecast calls for rain, and Hurricane Ivan is coming.

This is what I wrote on September 18:

The sky is green-gray, a high wind moaning in the tips of the trees, a day and more now after the slamming through of Ivan. I have all the lights on, and the CD playing Rococo opera, tapping away at my computer, just to revel in having power again. We got fringes of hurricanes in Ohio once in a while–Donna, I remember–but they were just a line of especially vivid thunderstorms. DJ and I watched Ivan on the Weather Channel Wednesday night as it poised to strike Mobile. I kept saying “it’s not coming here.” Thursday afternoon I went down to church and helped lift everything off the floor to the third or fourth shelf, in case high water came. I told everyone it was a false alarm, but I kept lifting, because I wasn’t sure. My nature is such that I have refused to cry wolf from time to time even when the wolf was at the door. Thursday night, Ivan came indeed. The lights went off at about 10:30. What followed seemed to be an eternity of dark and noise, though of course it couldn’t have been any longer than the hours on the clock. It was impossible sleep; I was up most of the night. When walking circles in my own floor grew old, I put on my yellow slicker and went out into the storm itself. The trees were swaying like grass. The mountains were great dark harps, roaring. My colossal sweet gum seemed rocked by a series of explosions. Green flashes were sometimes lightning, sometimes exploding transformers, plunging some new part of the city into deeper darkness. What surprised me was that the hurricane was warm, like a flying bath. I liked that part. Waves of wind-driven rain swept like surf across the parking lots. A pine split and sailed into the street, all but grazing the tips of my toes. I stood and watched it, wondering, until the second when the question was answered, “is that thing going to take me out?” Tremendous, roaring majesty, an exultant god whirling in the middle of the air. I stood in the middle of the Wachovia parking lot, the waves of watery wind coursing around me, the hemlocks bending almost to the ground, and I felt solid; I felt like the earth itself, immovable, maybe, in an unfathomable sort of way, merry, with the great wind roaring around as though we were complimentary powers come to visit each other at the edge of the world. It was stupendous. One doesn’t get to use that word very often, “stupendous.” 

I startled Zack when he came out with a flashlight to inspect his porch, and I called his name out of the whirlwind. The air is filled with the incense of shattered pines. Carolyn’s basketball hoop had been uprooted and launched through a back window of my Explorer. But, in truth, what surprised me was that the damage wasn’t worse. Wind like that, rain like that, should have obliterated the world. The epic quest for a cup of coffee at last achieved– downtown had power--I drove to the studio. The river had risen, but not so far as before. The river district had electricity, so I stopped, picked up my brushes, and painted. DJ bought a battery powered radio, and we learned that two lanes of Interstate 40 had fallen into the Pigeon River gorge, that tornadoes and mudslides had wiped out an as-yet-unknown number in Macon County. Flooding closed all highways east and west, though we could probably have fled north if we’d needed to. The street-level businesses in Biltmore and the riverside studios which had just been crawling out of the debris of Frances were hit again. Ryan e-mailed me about a group of students holed up in a house behind Charlotte Street, and a flying oak had crushed all their cars but his. I had been thanking my luck, though luck, as usual, was not doled out equally. As DJ and I were pulling out to go to rehearsal for the bishop’s installation–which even natural disaster is, apparently, powerless to stop–the lights in our houses came back on.

 Found this prayer I wrote for the reconstruction of All Souls:

With Solomon the founder of the temple, with Peter the founder of temples now and yet to come, we acknowledge that all that is built without the Spirit is built for a season or a time, but all that is built with the Spirit is build for the ages. We ask the Spirit which God sends to inhabit the true labors of the human heart to come to us, to abide in our labors, to inspire our bounty to right use, to perfect our skill and our determination, so that in our building all may be as the Spirit wills. May the lines be plumb, the foundations firm, the door open to all who would enter. May we who have received the legacy of the past deliver the gift whole to those who come after. May those who come after remember us as men and women who received the Spirit, who acted by its voice, and raised our roof into the stars.

Paid a $114 water bill. $5 dollars of that was water actually used, The rest was exactly the infrastructure that failed this week, 

Painting to Obrecht masses on the CD. Serenity that would be prized if the goal were serenity. 


High

 October 8, 2024

The odd energy of waiting for time to pass. Try to sleep as long and often as I can. Try not to eat and use the energy of being hungry as something to think about. Walk from night stand to workbench looking for a place to type; they’re all wrong for various reasons. It’s the workbench now, keyboard tipped against my legs and the screen almost flush with the bench.

Met me grandnephew Stetson, a happy, imperturbable child. He will be a blessing to everyone he meets. His parents seem rightfully to regard him with wonder. Photos of me and Stetson playing, in which he looks joyful and I look incredibly old. Everyone finds them cute.

Spent yesterday in downtown Alpharetta. It would be possible to spend only one day there, having, I think, exhausted most of its scenic and social possibilities. Visited the Arts Center, which is a classroom with drawings on the wall. Sat in a park on Milton Road (the one where I watched the fireworks two Fourths of July ago) and wrote, and wrote a little more in the lobby of the Hampton Hotel, which seems like home to me after several stays. The writing has not yet come to much. I’m trying to write about the hurricane. It’s possible that it will not be written of.

I feel thwarted even in my lamentation, for I am safe and among family and my property is intact and my suffering is immeasurably less than almost anyone I know. But I am totally disoriented, at sea, futile. I think “I cannot endure to the end of this,” knowing I must.

Hurricane Milton slams into Florida. I resent a storm coming so soon, to dilute attention on us. It might be bigger than Helene. I stop myself from thinking “at least it aimed somewhere else.”

Asheville water authority sends out the message that it will charge fees on water bills not paid in a timely fashion.

Drove the perils of 400 into Atlanta to visit the High Museum, where I checked in with my Madonna.

Elegant supper in downtown Alpharetta.


Hasten the Coming

 


October 6, 2024

Sunday morning.

At home I planted the chrysanthemum plants that came in the box, cleared the deliveries off my porch and the mail out of the mailbox. It is not that far. It is not that far.

The drive from Asheville was complicated by the closing of the Pleasant Hill exit from I-85– the only one I know in Atlanta. I drove toward the city center at the right edge of ten lanes desperate to find an exit. Madame GPS led me through bush and briar but finally to Alpharetta.

Who should call to see if I was well but N, my sweet friend from long ago. He filled me in on the demise of classmates whom I knew were dead, but I lacked the grisly details. “The Deaths of Ellet High” could be a TV series. In our youth he was a better friend than I'd earned, and age has not changed that.

This will be the longest month of my life.  

A stern email comes from the Asheville Water Authority trying to correct rumors (which I helped spread) that part of the problem was slipshod construction and lazy maintenance in the past. I stand, if not corrected, silent.

Attended church at The Parish, a mission of the Anglican Church in America. It meets in an office building and at other times in people’s houses. The congregation is young, and child-oriented in a way that would exhaust and dismay the decorum of All Souls. So many handsome young fathers proved a distraction. I found the gathering uplifting, spiritual, the old message made more vibrant for being related in a different way. The phrase, “Hasten the Coming” plucked out of the litany moved me considerably.  Hasten the Coming. Make Straight the Way. Keep Watch from the High Places. They prayed especially for the victims of Hurricane Helene. How odd and unprecedented it is for me to be prayed for as the victim of an internationally known disaster, a waif and an orphan of the storm. It is an honor I don’t care for very much.

Sitting on the McLaughlin’s porch in the shade of an awning, content for the moment, wondering what to do with myself over the next few weeks.

Hasten the Coming

Make Straight the Way

Keep Watch from the High Places


 


October 5, 2024

After early retiring in the silent dark, after interesting dreams, rose and painted– with an idea for the work on the easel which arose directly from a dream. It is not yet full light. Painting and listening to Josquin on the CD player. 

Horrible thought while painting: what if Cheap Joe’s Art Supplies is washed away? It must have been. 

Met the jolly ruddy mailman at the door. Among the accumulated pieces he delivered was the water bill. I don’t believe I’ll be in a rush to pay it this time around. 


 October 4, 2024

I sit at my own computer in my own study in my own house on my street. Drove from Atlanta this morning. Accidentally engaged the GPS, which panicked me because it took us a way not familiar, through farms and obscure neighborhoods, but we arrived, and connected with I-40 one exit before it’s closed. The GPS lady was calm and omniscient. I’m an untrusting individual, and would lead a sweeter life if I’d lean back and let it roll. From the Interstate nothing looks wrong, but once you get on the streets calamity is everywhere evident. Also evident is that the responsibility for clean-up and tending to the needy has been at the first an overwhelmingly entirely community effort. Power line workers heroically restored power to several neighborhoods. If you saw the state of things regarding trees and lines you’d be amazed at any progress at all No Internet. No water. Officials say “it could be a long time till water is restored,” as though acknowledging it were the same as excusing it. 

Carrier Park, the RAD, and the Swannanoa valley are still under water. 

Decided to stay the night. In the morning I’ll plant some of the flowers that arrived by undaunted couriers in the past few days. Most are bulbs and can wait.

Cleaned out the fridge. The half & half was clawing to get out. Even the iced tea had little floating islands of mold. 

Odd that I creep around in the dimness and have to remind myself the power is on.

The pants I wore to clear trees off the street were covered with wet sawdust and now stink. I had to move them outside. Filled the long-violated toilet bowl with bleach, that it may be washed clean as snow. DJ got his chair back, and is not apoplectic with boredom, so all is well there. People scurry around doing good deeds, making the horrors better. I escaped, return briefly to tend to my little concerns. I hope I have an opportunity to make up for this. 

Every few seconds my hands automatically try to summon the Internet, which won’t be there. What did we do in our youth? 


 

October 3, 2024

Alpharetta, after a tedious but uneventful drive through the South. Wind damage evident as far as Columbia. Had an elegant seafood lunch in honor of L’s birthday. The view from L’s basement windows is almost paradisal, a rough garden, a little stream flowing beyond, shaded by trees and elephant ears. First decent sleep since last Thursday, though the police, looking for an intruder, swept the yard for a while with powerful flashlights. The beam a few times came directly through the window, hurting my eyes even from a distance. I wondered if I could be seen, glaring back. Had to scuttle a spider out of the sink before I used it this morning.  Didn’t want to begin my tenure here by drowning the original inhabitants. Rode to Dahlonaga to look at a house the family is considering buying, a chalet perched on a cliff in the grizzly woods. Met my new great-nephew David Theodore, unbelievably tiny and steadily asleep. In the afternoon J and I were talking in the back yard, and a phoebe approached, brave and unafraid. He hunted and pecked a little in the garden, but seemed more deeply interested in J, and finally perched twice on his hand, pecking it a little as if testing it out for taste.

L is infinitely more family-oriented than I. Duty to family inspires an Ohio trip in a few weeks, and buying the house in the woods is all about family gatherings. I cannot use the word “family” without a slight tinge of irony. I reacted to lack of family cohesion by mistrusting all things bearing that name. She reacted to it by creating her own.

Riverside

 

October 1, 2024

No sleep last night. The earthmovers worked from dusk to dawn, their backup signals the exact pitch and volume as a clock alarm. Did anybody sleep? Was it just me?

Message from A assuring me that the Riverside office escaped unharmed (though the basement under it flooded). Sobbed ugly five minutes with relief. I’d hidden from myself how deep the dread went. I’m sure my dear High Five by the river and all the picnic tables where I did so much writing is gone. The river almost touched it after an ordinary heavy rain. Most everything is gone to some degree. We will have to relearn everything.

Useless, tranquil days spent by the beach. Maybe I’ll return later if recovery drags on, as it appears it might.

Watched a boy, about 13, playing with his little brother and sister on the beach. They were tigers and he their prey. He delighted in his speed and agility eluding them. As a boy I never delighted in anything physical, as breathlessness and exhaustion lay always near. Innocent games of TAG were terror for me.

Reading The Prelude, so my thoughts and observations bend back to me

The ACE has made the beach as straight as the edge of a ruler. That is very weird.

A woman invited me to watch the sunset with her.

Bats pursue dragonflies outside my window. This gives me joy. Now I realize the bats and the dragonflies are pursuing the same (to me) invisible prey.


Tuesday, October 1, 2024

 


September 30, 2024

The one phone call I got from the world was from L. Amazing.

Trying not to have any shameful emotion about seeing the Marquee, which turned down my work because it was “spiritual” and “spiritual” doesn’t sell, completely submerged. I will think of the hundreds whose work is gone. Terrible thought occurred to me. I assumed the river office was on high enough ground, but maybe it wasn’t. If so, the poems of my youth, all my journals and notebooks and photo albums and theater memorabilia and scrapbooks are gone, the things I cherished most in my possession, perhaps cherished solely. They’ll still be either ruined are well when I return. Sadness fills me hour to hour, intensified by the realization that I’ve lost far less than most. I must force myself to keep making that comparison. 

I liked my life. I see no possibility of returning to it. 

I see no possibility of Asheville’s returning to what it was. The Asheville Era is over. A city that size, whose function is more ornamental than practical, cannot survive four weeks without water.

My mind is like a rat in a box, scurrying from one corner to the other, imagining that it’s missed some way out, that something will be different this time through.

Having brought clothes for three days, I made a trip to Walmart, where the workers were unexpectedly kind.

Wrote a bit of a play about the Army Corps of Engineers. Wandered aimlessly about town at sunset, wanting company but wanting nothing to eat or drink. Many spoke to me. I think I’m probably easy to speak to. 

But sad. Sad as night.