March 2, 2023

Long talk with M in the streetlight after rehearsal last night. Motherhood terrifies and frustrates her. Every second is a threat and a danger, her child and her happiness perpetually hostages to fortune. I’m aware that men get blamed for trying to solve problems when women, revealing their thoughts, do not want that, so I tried to remain silent and encouraging. I did observe that she approached my own biography from the other direction, that when I’m in anguish over being solitary and unfathered, some reconciling angel whispers the possibility that I may have been a terrible spouse, a destructive parent, and that some bottomless mercy in the world saved me from that. She understood instantly. 

Cool, sparse rain watering the herbs I planted yesterday and left unwatered. California under a mountain of snow.